i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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