I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
