the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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