The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
