im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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