I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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