i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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