apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
