this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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