That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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