i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
