the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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