If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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