Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
did i walk over a car last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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