I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
