hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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