Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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