It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
