I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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