I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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