Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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