I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
