I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
