i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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