You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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