we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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