you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
