I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
