Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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