I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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