Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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