I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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