She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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