walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
