Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
