He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
