what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
