hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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