I wish my penis had an off switch
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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