You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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