bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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