I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
