i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
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That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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