VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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