I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
