Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
