Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
