I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
