I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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