I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
