She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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