white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
