i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
