my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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