Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
