Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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