I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
