Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
