I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
