I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
