Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
