Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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