I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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